Whichever partner introduced the concept of enforced male chastity into the relationship, the key holding partner likely has many questions. While there are surprisingly many texts, web pages, and "how-to" guides out there describing how a keyholder "should" act, it seems that many, if not most, are written as fantasy material by men, or address roles in relationships that don't reflect how many traditional relationships work.
This guide seeks to provide a balanced and reasonable role for the keyholder, who is generally a kind person and equal partner in the relationship. To that end, the suggestions given here may not reflect "conventional wisdom" if one were to read other guides. The best path for any couple, of course, is left to discussion between the key holder and the wearer.
Introducing the idea of enforced male chastity can be a little daunting. If you're thinking about incorporating enforced male chastity then it's likely that you already have an expectation of your partner's reaction, and are looking for ideas on how to bring it up. Starting the conversation gently, when you're at home and perhaps have had a drink with dinner to relax, might sound something like, "I've been thinking about ways we could spice up our intimacy. Would you be open to exploring something new together?", or "I recently read about an interesting practice called male chastity. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it." Emphasize consent and mutual benefit. Ask if he's heard of the idea, and what his thoughts might be.
During the discussion, unless he's already interested in the idea he'll probably have questions. What's in it for him, how long he'd be locked for, and does it mean no sex, are probably the most important questions to have answers to. Reading this guide should help the keyholder have initial answers in her mind. Sharing the goals of increased communication, intimacy, and trust, and promising to keep the decision-making mutual and clear, may help keep the conversation going.
Consider agreeing to a basic framework, but start slow. As aspects are agreed to and even tested, consider writing things down. Having clear expectations that can be discussed, updated, and referred to helps ensure that both partners have a mutual understanding.
If you're reading this because your husband (or boyfriend, or whatever) approached you about introducing enforced male chastity into your relationship, first, don't panic! Take some time to read this guide. Male chastity, when well integrated into a relationship, can be a powerful tool to help improve communication, intimacy, and trust. It doesn't have to be a dark and scary thing!
Start slowly, and most importantly keep the communication open and honest. If this is being brought to you, then your partner likely already has given things significant thought. You should certainly listen, but at the same time remember that you're the one that has the key... no more, and no less. Don't feel pressure to take on a role that you're not comfortable with. Remember that male chastity is about enhancing your relationship, not fundamentally changing it.
The primary role of the keyholder is simple… to hold the key, making it available for unlocking as agreed between the couple. Of course, the keyholder will have choices to make. The wearer will likely ask to be unlocked for many reasons at many times, and the keyholder will need to determine whether she agrees that the reason meets the pre-agreed reasons for unlocking. (See the 'Locking and Unlocking' section.)
It is not the keyholder's role to make decisions unilaterally. Just because the male is wearing a chastity device does not mean that their decision-making role in the relationship necessarily changes.
The responsibility of the keyholder in enforcing the chastity will need to be negotiated. At the very least, the keyholder must provide accountability to the wearer, ensuring he is locked when he should be. Without accountability, it is too easy to not lock back up when he should and it is likely that the wearer will wear less and less as various excuses present themselves. Whether the keyholder has a deeper role in ensuring the wearer meets the agreement will need to be discussed. Some keyholders may not want to be more involved than simply providing accountability and trusting the wearer to do the right thing. Other keyholders may desire more direct involvement, including locking and unlocking the device. The expectations will also likely change over time, with the keyholder being more or less involved as normal life pressures, growing familiarity with enforced male chastity, and changing levels of trust lead to differing levels of direct engagement.
Another role of the keyholder is to communicate with the wearer. With the goal of enforced male chastity being increased communication and intimacy in the relationship, the keyholder will need to be receptive to outreaches from the wearer, as well as initiate conversations and intimate moments.
The keyholder must communicate with the wearer on two levels. First, the keyholder must actively check that the wearer is healthy, both physically and mentally, as the wearer may not be in a position to accurately judge as their situation changes. This is particularly important when situations are evolving, for instance when the wearer first starts wearing the cage for a longer period, or when the agreement is changing from ‘occasionally locked’ to ‘default locked’, and so on. Consistent check-ins and communication help make sure that that wearer is doing ok. Do not disregard physical or mental comfort and safety; it's crucial to identify and address any issues quickly.
In addition, the keyholder must be part of the deeper conversation and intimacy that the enforced chastity relationship is intended to foster. As a couple, the door opens to honest conversations about each partner's wants, desires, needs, and fears in the relationship and life in general.
Part of communication is the simple non-sexual intimate attention given daily to the wearer. Being “locked and forgotten” does not help advance the goals of the relationship. Simple touches, whispered nothings, and discrete ‘cage checks’ help remind the wearer that they are still on the keyholder’s mind, even when things are busy and there’s no time or opportunity to be more intimate.
While the keyholder's simplest job is to hold the key, there are things that the keyholder can do, or not do, to help get as much as possible when male chastity is added to the relationship. While different
Open and honest conversation is the cornerstone of a successful relationship, particularly one incorporating enforced chastity. The keyholder must be available to talk, respect the discussion, and respond appropriately. (This is the same as for the wearer.)
When the wearer has been locked for a while, and will be locked for a while still, it's easy for the wearer's situation to move to the back of the keyholder's mind when dealing with a busy work or family life. A forgotten wearer will often develop resentment, depression, and a desire to stop wearing the device as the daily inconveniences for him, from needing to sit to pee to the cleaning regimen to the discomfort at night, are not as easy to dismiss. Every day the keyholder should find a way to let the wearer know she has not forgotten.
Building trust in the relationship requires that the keyholder adhere to the agreements with the wearer. This includes locking and unlocking, as agreed, and any other parts of the agreement. The predictability builds trust.
At times it will be necessary to bend, or break, the rules. Of course, the balance between 'sticking to the agreement' and 'being flexible' will be a careful tightrope to walk, and the keyholder and wearer must communicate to avoid breaking trust, building resentment, or causing more problems in the relationship.
Particularly when enforced male chastity is being used for masturbation control there are cases where the wearer may ask for sex. If the keyholder isn't in the mood, she needs to be comfortable saying, and meaning, "No". The only reason to unlock for sex is when both partners want it. Of course, being locked means he can spend the energy he has on learning how to make the keyholder more receptive, rather than sneaking off to 'take care of it' himself!
If necessary, take the lead in making sure he is locked back up immediately after orgasm. This should be as soon as he is soft enough, generally less than a minute. See the section on 'When to Lock' for more details, but the male will likely not be in a frame of mind to do it himself so the keyholder may need to make sure it happens. Lock, then cuddle.
There will be times when the fact that the keyholder has the keys could be used as a weapon in the relationship. There are always times when the couple disagrees about something, and the keyholder may be tempted to use the fact that the wearer is locked up to gain an advantage in the discussion, for instance by “adding days”, or even threatening it, to when the wearer would be expecting to be released. It is strongly recommended that enforced chastity not be used as a weapon. The intent of enforced male chastity as practiced in this guide is to foster open communication and trust, and if the wearer does not trust that the keyholder will meet the agreed terms by unlocking the cage as expected, then the premise breaks down.
This also means that release for intimacy, be it sex or just cuddling, must not be withheld as a penalty. There is a fine, but important, line defined by intent that separates a refusal to unlock as a normal part of the relationship, versus a punishment. If the keyholder is upset and therefore not interested in intimacy, she may withhold the key, as the intimacy would not be consensual. If, on the other hand, the keyholder withholds the key simply because the wearer didn't take the trash out, even though the keyholder might be interested in being intimate, then she is using chastity as a punishment. The first is a case where the keyholder, as a partner, does not consent to sex (hence no unlocking), while the second is using chastity as a weapon, which breaks trust and does not advance the intimacy goals of the relationship.
In many cases, if an argument between the couple is significant, the best course of action may be to remove chastity from the equation by giving the wearer the keys, and permission to use them as he sees fit. Often that action alone, disarming the power dynamic that enforced chastity and keyholding can create, can change the discussion in a positive way, enabling the better communication and trust the couple has (hopefully) developed to be put to use without any chastity-related threats, implied or imagined. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, this can also be a very powerful signal to a wearer who wants to be locked that the keyholder does not want to participate until the misalignment between the couple is addressed.
The keyholder will need to walk the line carefully to meet the agreed goals while not abusing the trust of the wearer. Open and honest conversation between the keyholder and the wearer will help keep the relationship balanced, and over time the judgment of the keyholder will improve. Do not forget that enforced male chastity is ultimately about enhancing intimacy and connection - it should not become a source of genuine distress or relationship problems.
